I left off my last entry in a state of shock and realization that there is more to me than this tired rag doll of a mom and nurse. I will tell you bit about how I was physically feeling in my life at the time, It is pertinent to my story. I was exhausted all the time. I believe now it is because I was going through my life in a state of waking sleep. I never really thought about what is was I needed to thrive and grow in my life.I had no clue what made me happy. Forget about what I was feeling and never took into consideration what the consequences were of turning my back on myself.Some of the reasons for this was ignorance and living my life with my head down. I did not have the answers about very simple questions like...how do I feel, am I happy, what makes me happy and am I fulfilling my life's purpose. There were no answers because I had no fricken clue how to begin to ask these questions. I was like many.... got married, had babies, worked full time, vacationed, owned a house, a dog and boat.... so who has time for asking the hard questions? Who has the energy left to ask the questions? To say the least, my 20's where exhausting!
Many factors created my lack of ..its funny right here I pause with the inability to express the right word. It's not that I didn't have time or the knowledge. Come on, everyone has survival skills and the innate ability to know when they are in a sucky situation.For me it was an absence of drive to think about it. To look back it was as if I was on auto pilot. Never questioning, as if my skills for planning my life beyond the basics were hidden from me. Like a time capsule that you plan on having a celebratory opening of, 34 years after your birth into this body that needed that information 2 decades ago.One saving grace was, I had no clue I was missing half of myself until it arrived in a package of anxiety and finally grace. You see, I don't believe things happen by accident. All the moves I have played on my game board of life had purpose and perfect timing, that's the key.I have seen in my work, many times, people planning their lives before they come to be here. Born into the messy miraculous human body.We meet with the people who are our support system and plan. We have free will, but are forever.... Every day reminded what our true road map is and in what direction we are supposed to be going. Everyone is familiar with that tug you feel in your gut when you are absolutely heading in the right or wrong direction.When we hear those whispers in our heart and mind if we are with the wrong person in a relationship, especially in a marriage, employment or other attachments.We try to wiggle and ignore our signs and sometimes this we recognize for sure because it makes our heart hurt, bodies ache and minds muddled with denial of self. I was having all of these heavy feelings from head to toe about my life in general at the time I began to wake up.
My most intrusive physical symptoms were chronic sinus infections.I would be on antibiotics for months at a time, severe headaches, fatigue and palpations.I remember going on vacation, skiing in NH with my husband and 2 kids. We were with friends, in a beautiful place and I should have been having the time of my life.Instead I remember two things distinctly. Skiing down the hill with my two small children.... They were having a blast. All of a sudden my heart starts pounding, skipping, I am sweating... even though it is 10 degrees out. I am scared to death for no apparent reason. Could have have been having a beautiful moment and my cranky insides were messing it up! I sat in the snow for a few moments, hoping my little boys did not all of a sudden decide they could do more than ski a foot and then make a snow print with their butts on the ground.It passed after a few agonizing minutes but the fear stayed. Later that night I lay in bed alone, head pounding, I am sweating as if I may die at any moment. So confused about what I was feeling. I was sick and depleted from the sinus infection, true, but it was more, now that I know. The fear that went along with it, that was a sickness of the spirit. That was my frustrated spirit exposing itself as manifestation of illness in the body. I was out of my head and as far away from being grounded as you could be unless I had no feet at all.It was a fear that had always been just underneath the surface of my being. It would silently prevent me from so many things.It would rear it's head if I even had thoughts of speaking out about injustices in my life, relationships, standing up in any way. That would be enough to freeze me in place like jack frost touched me with a wand. A very small tap of fridgid..... Don't even think about it.... sprending through my body like liquid nitrogin. Left like a sleeping statue. I was scared shit of exposing my true self. Instead a big fat lie stared back at me from the fractured mirror of my life's reflection.
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My name is Christina Laughton. I live in the country in NC. I have made it a long standing practice study ways to achieve health and peace in life through allowing your true self to be seen. I have fostered many unusual abilities such as seeing, hearing and sensing the usually unseen. Then finding the understanding of how to apply this to your life, to bring a balance to your mind, body and spirit. When in alignment with yourself you will always bring healing to all parts of your life.
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